Sunday, June 27, 2010

Microsoft continues with Kinect damage control, more pathetic than ever

Microsoft's Kinect front-man Kudo Tsunoda (you may know him as the douchebag that wears sunglasses while speaking at press conferences) had some very bizarre things to say during a recent interview about Kinect's launch lineup of games. Continuing to attempt to conceal Kinect's obvious shittiness, Microsoft has apparently resorted to comparing crappy kinect games with... Just read the quotes:

"I just don't think the games gaming press or core gamers would enjoy all necessarily come down to whether you're shooting something. If you think about a game like Mario Bros., would you say Mario Bros. is a core or casual game? That's exactly what we're doing with the Kinect products."

Okay, so you're name-dropping Mario Bros (which your dumb ass kinda has no right to do to begin with, but whatever), but twice in one sentence? Okay, we'll let that slide I guess... Please, continue.

"But if you look at River Rush, from Kinect Adventures, that in a lot of ways is like a platformer game. It's all the same things you see in platformer games. The way you summed up how you would feel about Mario Bros. is exactly the way we look at the Kinect games. There's the core gaming depth and skills, and the casual approachability that lets you get into it and play it right away. That's what we focus on in all of the gameplay. When we say games are approachable, it doesn't mean shallow. It just means you can get in and experience the game for what it is."
...yeah, and then he finishes out with this:
"What are the standard definition of things? If you say core, it really doesn't mean it's an action game where you're shooting people. And that's what it is. If I came to you today and I was like, hey, we're going unveil this new game: it's a plumber, and you're going to be going through pipes, and you're going to be jumping on turtles, you'd be asking the exact same questions that you're asking about the Kinect experiences."

Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, first of all I'm going to assume that since you're using the word "platformer" that you're actually referring to Super Mario Bros. since the original Mario Bros. was not a platformer in any way. Being such a prominent figure at a (so-called) gaming company, I would think that you might know the difference. Putting that aside, let's assume that you mean Super Mario Bros. (the platformer one!), and put the absurdity into list form:

Ways River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like Super Mario Bros:

  1. Your character can jump on stuff
On that note, why don't we list the ways thatRiver Rush from  Kinect Adventures is like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2:
  1. Your character can jump on stuff
Ways River Rush from Kinect adventures is like Contra:
  1. Your character can jump on stuff
Ways River Rush from Kinect adventures is like Fallout 3:
  1. Your character can jump on stuff
Ways River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like Metroid Prime:
  1. Your character can jump on stuff
Look at that! The list goes on and on! River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like a TON of games! That's fantastic, Kudo! Nevermind, of course, that in Super Mario Bros. you also attack enemies, earn power ups, collect coins, slide down flagpoles, duck down pipes, swim around under water, kick around turtle shells, play as an actual character and not a self-made avatar, SCROLL FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, and save a princess at the end. These are unimportant things that barely affect the experience at all anyways.

Let me help you make some comparisons, that you have my full permission to use in future interviews, for some other Kinect launch games:

Kinectimals is like Dragon Quest 5 because there is a tiger in it!

JoyRide is like Alan Wake because you can drive a car!

Dance Central is like Dead or Alive because you get to see jiggling tits!

MotionSports is like... (I'll let you figure this one out yourself).

You and your team of marketers at Microsoft can spin and backpedal all you want, Kudo, but all of your customers (the loyal Xbox360-playing gamers) are not as stupid as you're treating them. Everyone sees Kinect for what it is: A very shallow Wii rip-off which is your new focus. Your E3 press conference was almost all about Kinect and its shitty-looking games, and your customers know exactly why. Don't try to convince them to buy Kinect: They don't want it. Like Sony, you've spent years calling motion-controlled gaming "gimmicky" (among other insults), so the people you've preached to all this time are not particularly happy to see you change your tune all of a sudden.

Don't worry, you proved with Vista that when you make a disastrous mistake you can just market your way out of it. Good luck with that.

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