Don't Cry For Me Yoshida

So as it turns out, a recent article was published through Gamasutra from the words of Shuhei Yoshida. He had this to say:




Nintendo of America head Reggie Fils-Aime also poked fun at competing 3D gaming solutions that require glasses, and Sony Computer Entertainment Worldwide Studios president Shuhei Yoshida didn't appreciate the detracting comments.

"I have hope that they have a broader perspective with 3D," Yoshida said in an interview with IGN. Many of Sony's game studios are working on 3D titles for PlayStation 3 that require glasses.

"When you listen to what they are saying about the effect of 3D perspective to the games, they are saying the same message we are, but they don't have to bash some small part of what the other company is doing," he added.




And so Mr. Yoshida, it is with great respect and reverence that I apologize for my American friend, Reggie Fils-Aime. Sometimes he does get carried away, especially when responsible for a very important press event…one that basically swept all of E3. My consolation gift to you is Johnson’s No Tears Shampoo. It’s the least I could do for you and your company especially considering…




This


And this


This too


Oh, and this


Don’t forget this


This as well


This is also something


This one…


…and of course this!




It’s almost as though you and your company have made a habit out of bashing Nintendo for doing something completely different, succeeding, making boatloads of cash, beating you at E3, and then touting that they (as always) win at hand held consoles. It’s almost criminal. And criminals make people cry.




Still, I can’t help but think that maybe Sony is just biting off more they can chew. That perhaps losing some of its licenses to other consoles, attempting to copy cat, being beat at their own 3-D game, and losing in the console wars…maybe those tears are just from some sort of suffocation.




This is Nintendo. They’ve been in the game longer, seen more action, and have more battle scars than Master Chief and Sam Fisher combined. They’re not fucking around, and you have been. Man up:







I said Good Day, Sir.




-Atlas Out

Objection! Unsuccessful troll is unsuccessful

Wedbush Morgan Securities Analyst Michael Pachter has finally been completely exposed.

If you pay much attention to the "news" in the video game industry, you'll most likely know who Michael Pachter is. He's the guy who is always making crazy nonsensical analyses, twisting words and fighting semantics, and seems to be attempting to distort game journalism by creating "distracting" "rumors" by interviewing with gaming sites/blogs, going on TV, and even hosting his own internet "show" called Pach-Attack. 

While we're reminiscing, here are my 5 favorite Michael "Manipulate the Market" Pachter moments:

5) Pachter predicts that Microsoft's Project Natal (now known as "Kinect") will release for $50 (Source, October 2009)

4) Pachter calls for Nintendo to unbundle Wii Sports from the retail Wii packaging and lower the price to $199 to increase sales, and actually says this right after christmas 2007 when Wii was still sold out everywhere. (Source, January 2008)

3) Pachter releases a huge report, predicting that PlayStation 3 will control 45 percent of the market, Microsoft will control 35 percent and Nintendo will control just 20 percent through 2010. (Source, May 2006)

2) Pachter proclaims the impending release of a "Wii HD" time after time over a span of 12 months (Nov '08-'09), and then instead of admitting that he was wrong for all that time, instead claims that "PlayStation Move is the Wii HD" (Source, March 2010)

1) Pachter calls the PSP Go a ripoff, but just days later rescinds his comment and formally apologizes to Sony for the "mistake". (Source, June 2009)

Pachter's not just wrong a lot. Pachter's not even just completely wrong a lot. Pachter is so hilariously wrong that anyone paying attention absolutely must question whether or not he has alterior motives. How can someone who is paid (and apparently pretty well) to analyze a market for a living be so consistently and so completely out of touch with reality?

I am so thankful this day, that "professional" "analyst" Michael Pachter has taken precious time out of his busy schedule to send Malstrom this email: It's amazing how a calculated and defensive response can sometimes backfire and be the ultimate admission of guilt.

The shortcomings of camera technology

As the realities of the technology that lies within Kinect come to light, gamers are starting to realize that this sort of implementation for motion control has some very severe limitations. When "Project Natal" and "Sony's Wand" were first being introduced to the world last year, it seemed everybody in the gaming press was hot to jump on the bandwagon and suggested that "Nintendo would be beaten at their own game". The technology behind these two competing devices seemed so amazing at their first unveiling, from the concept videos that were shown by Microsoft and Sony. 

Journalists asked Nintendo what they thought of this technology. Knowingly, Nintendo of America's President, Reggie Fils-Aime, had this to say:

"We have been very familiar with that technology. I have personally seen a lot of iterations of similar technology." (Source: Cubed3)

Nintendo had been looking at this type of technology-- Using cameras to track motion-- for Wii long before it was actually born. You don't think so? Don't forget: Sony's been using EyeToy longer than the Wii's been around. Obviously, with the success of the PS2 still strong in the minds of gamers, this was definitely something Nintendo had looked at. 

The problem is, you can't keep a competitive price in-line with strong enough camera hardware to get a great result. So what do you end up with? Specs like the recently revealed ones about Kinect. From Engadget:

• Field of view is relatively limited, something we could sense when spending time with Kinect at E3. The unit sees 57 degrees of horizontal and 43 degrees of vertical, with a 27 degree physical tilt to keep you in the action.
• Depth of view is similarly strict, ranging from 4 feet to 11.5 feet.
• Skeletal tracking is limited to two active players at a time, as we knew, but the system can at least keep its eye on up to six people at once
• Resolution, because we know you were wondering, is detailed as well: 320 x 240, 16-bit at 30 fps (we're guessing this is the depth camera), 640 x 480, 32-bit color at 30 fps (yeah, this is the color one), and 16-bit audio at 16 kHz.

So, it costs $150, can only be played while standing up, is only good for 2 people at a time, and can't be played from anywhere but directly in front of the screen within 11 feet? Yes, clearly they're going to beat the Wii at their own game.

While none of these exact limitations are confirmed yet for Sony's Move, expect similar ones. If the thing only costs $99 (and you know they can't afford to play razor-and-blades anymore) then a limited depth-of-view and field-of-view are incoming. 

We also already know that Move can't offer "full" four-player local multiplayer support. This, hilariously, has nothing to do with the camera technology, but actually is a product of the limitations of Bluetooth. Sony decided to opt-out of having a cord attaching their remote-and-nunchuk two-handed combo motion controls (for deeper and more complex games) and therefore were forced to use 2 Bluetooth connections per pair. Unfortunately, the PlayStation 3 is limited to a maximum of 7 simultaneous connections.

There are also latency issues with both of the camera-based control setups. Kinect is reported to have a lag of about 1/10 of a second, which is decidedly more lag than Wii, and Sony's Move is reported to lag a bit as well, and is discernably inferior to Wii.

If latency wasn't a problem, and the motion control's latency ability with these two systems were on-par with Wii's barely-noticeable latency, would that be good enough anyway? These systems have "multi-core processors" and "hard drives" and "HD capability"! Surely they can outperform the tiny little Wii in something as "simple" as "casual motion controls"... Right? ...Right???

Microsoft continues with Kinect damage control, more pathetic than ever

Microsoft's Kinect front-man Kudo Tsunoda (you may know him as the douchebag that wears sunglasses while speaking at press conferences) had some very bizarre things to say during a recent interview about Kinect's launch lineup of games. Continuing to attempt to conceal Kinect's obvious shittiness, Microsoft has apparently resorted to comparing crappy kinect games with... Just read the quotes:


"I just don't think the games gaming press or core gamers would enjoy all necessarily come down to whether you're shooting something. If you think about a game like Mario Bros., would you say Mario Bros. is a core or casual game? That's exactly what we're doing with the Kinect products."


Okay, so you're name-dropping Mario Bros (which your dumb ass kinda has no right to do to begin with, but whatever), but twice in one sentence? Okay, we'll let that slide I guess... Please, continue.

"But if you look at River Rush, from Kinect Adventures, that in a lot of ways is like a platformer game. It's all the same things you see in platformer games. The way you summed up how you would feel about Mario Bros. is exactly the way we look at the Kinect games. There's the core gaming depth and skills, and the casual approachability that lets you get into it and play it right away. That's what we focus on in all of the gameplay. When we say games are approachable, it doesn't mean shallow. It just means you can get in and experience the game for what it is."

...yeah, and then he finishes out with this:

"What are the standard definition of things? If you say core, it really doesn't mean it's an action game where you're shooting people. And that's what it is. If I came to you today and I was like, hey, we're going unveil this new game: it's a plumber, and you're going to be going through pipes, and you're going to be jumping on turtles, you'd be asking the exact same questions that you're asking about the Kinect experiences."

Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, first of all I'm going to assume that since you're using the word "platformer" that you're actually referring to Super Mario Bros. since the original Mario Bros. was not a platformer in any way. Being such a prominent figure at a (so-called) gaming company, I would think that you might know the difference. Putting that aside, let's assume that you mean Super Mario Bros. (the platformer one!), and put the absurdity into list form:


Ways River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like Super Mario Bros:

1. Your character can jump on stuff

On that note, why don't we list the ways thatRiver Rush from  Kinect Adventures is like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2:

1. Your character can jump on stuff

Ways River Rush from Kinect adventures is like Contra:

1. Your character can jump on stuff

Ways River Rush from Kinect adventures is like Fallout 3:

1. Your character can jump on stuff

Ways River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like Metroid Prime:

1. Your character can jump on stuff

Look at that! The list goes on and on! River Rush from Kinect Adventures is like a TON of games! That's fantastic, Kudo! Nevermind, of course, that in Super Mario Bros. you also attack enemies, earn power ups, collect coins, slide down flagpoles, duck down pipes, swim around under water, kick around turtle shells, play as an actual character and not a self-made avatar, SCROLL FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, and save a princess at the end. These are unimportant things that barely affect the experience at all anyways.

Let me help you make some comparisons, that you have my full permission to use in future interviews, for some other Kinect launch games:

Kinectimals is like Dragon Quest 5 because there is a tiger in it!

JoyRide is like Alan Wake because you can drive a car!

Dance Central is like Dead or Alive because you get to see jiggling tits!

MotionSports is like... (I'll let you figure this one out yourself).

You and your team of marketers at Microsoft can spin and backpedal all you want, Kudo, but all of your customers (the loyal Xbox360-playing gamers) are not as stupid as you're treating them. Everyone sees Kinect for what it is: A very shallow Wii rip-off which is your new focus. Your E3 press conference was almost all about Kinect and its shitty-looking games, and your customers know exactly why. Don't try to convince them to buy Kinect: They don't want it. Like Sony, you've spent years calling motion-controlled gaming "gimmicky" (among other insults), so the people you've preached to all this time are not particularly happy to see you change your tune all of a sudden.

Don't worry, you proved with Vista that when you make a disastrous mistake you can just market your way out of it. Good luck with that.

Kinect: Faking it

I hadn't noticed this, but leave it to the internet to call Microsoft on their epic fail. I just caught wind of this via Malstrom's blog...  Apparently Microsoft's Kinect demos were all just pre-recorded video playing with people pretending to interact with it live.


That's low... Even for Microsoft.

Kinect for $150?

Could be a placeholder price from Gamestop, but I believe it because this is so typical of Microsoft.

Yes, Microsoft, because the Wii Fit crowd wants to pay:

$299 for an Xbox Slim

$149 for Kinect

$59 for Ubisoft's Fitness Game

$49/yr for Xbox Live

Note: Combined sales totals for Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus are a hair over 35 million units-- Just about 5 million shy of TOTAL XBOX 360s SOLD WORLDWIDE.

It's possible that Microsoft wanted to make this thing much cheaper than that... but you know those pesky shareholders: Always demanding profitable business models and other such nonsense. Don't worry Microsoft: Kinect wouldn't be able to actually do the job you want it to even if it were free.

Microsoft at E3

Well, Microsoft's press event was overall a complete failure:

- No price on "Kinect"

- No interesting games for Kinect

- Nobody besides paid employees and contract-bound partners have played Kinect yet- STILL.

- Kinect media center relies on "Zune Marketplace", Microsoft's failed attempt at emulating iTunes which nobody ever wanted or cared about

- Hardcore games were all same-old same-old-- Gears3, Halo Reach, CoD:BO, Metal Gear. Nothing new here whatsoever

- Not a single "Hardcore" game announced Kinect compatibility (yet?)

- No Solid Snake in new Metal Gear game :C

- No Kinect compatibility announced for Metal Gear (SUCH a SHAME considering all the awesome things Kojima would certainly come up with in that crazy imagination of his)

- New Xbox "Slim" barely smaller than old Xbox. Seems its primary function is to pad sales numbers by getting the "Hardcore" to buy a second Xbox

- Did i mention that they still didn't give a price for Kinect or let anyone play it yet? Or even announce that people could play it on the show floor?

- New Xbox launches TODAY!!! :D (Anyone remember what happened when Sega Dreamcast did EXACTLY THAT at E3? hah. I'm sure the Dreamcast fanboys do. Disaster.)

- Nothing amazing shown, no surprises whatsoever. Why should we be excited, Microsoft? Really!!!

Let's hope they fix some of this shit soon. Especially letting normal people play Kinect and telling us how much it costs.