Thursday, July 29, 2010

The hype around the 3DS anti-piracy system, and why it WILL be cracked

I've been hearing a lot of rumors flying around about the 3DS copyright protection system. It seems that the most common belief right now is that each individual Nintendo 3DS game cart will have an encrypted "key" stored within which, upon its first insertion into a 3DS unit, will "pair" itself to the console. After that, using 3DS' cloud-like networking structure, it will constantly ping a Nintendo server to verify that the paired key-and-console are legitimate. Nobody has any idea what will happen if the server responds "mismatch", of course. How brutal will Nintendo be with this policy (if in fact this turns out to be true)?

Well it doesn't matter. I'm a pretty strong advocate for open-source, and even piracy in general doesn't bother me too much. Restrictive DRM, however, does bother me. Fortunately for Nintendo, I am at their whim: I will absolutely ignore the ridiculous DRM policies they put in to place for some beautiful 3DS goodness. Nevertheless, I get the feeling that I, and many many many many other people, will be buying 2 3DS' at some point.

I will want to play homebrew with my 3DS. I will want to download 3D movies which are not legally available for the 3DS. I will want to play ROMs of old games that I own on my 3DS. I will even admit that I will certainly want to pirate games on my 3DS.

I am tired of regretting my game purchases. Sick and fucking tired. I am tired of believing in a game, paying 60$ for it, and being left completely flat because the developers of the game were too far up their own conceited asses to give a gamer like me what I *thought* I was going to get from their game. In short, I'm tired of "taking the leap" for games that I end up hating, and ending up with nothing to show for it. What can I do with an opened, already-played game? Sell it to Gamestop for 20% of its original price? I'd rather keep it around as a reminder of what not to do next time.

Anyways, so Nintendo is supposedly developing this hyper-advanced cloud-network that is supposed to keep pirates out for good, and everybody seems to be freaking out over this. What a joke. There is absolutely *nothing* that is going to stop the 3DS from being hacked, cracked, flashed, and pwn3d... and I bet it won't even take more than a few months, absolute tops. Whatever method you'll need to apply to hack it initially? It very well could be as complicated as it was with the Original DS back in the day: Buying a PassMe from Hong Kong, removing the battery cover and using a pin to push down a secret button on the back to flash some custom firmware you downloaded from a shady underground internet forum, all at risk of bricking your DS if your finger slips for a spilt-second... but people will do it. Lots of them will.

Sure it's easy to be confident enough to say "x device will get cracked by hackers! :D" because we all know that the vast majority of electronic devices do sooner or later, but the fact of the matter is that the 3DS is going to be target #1 for hackers upon its release, and I wouldn't even be the slightest bit surprised to find out that hackers already have 3DS dev kits with which they're already testing cracks for it. The fact of the matter is: Whoever cracks the 3DS first has a very unique opportunity to capitalize on it. Whether they will personally or not is anyone's guess, but if they don't? Somebody else will.

In eye-widening, mouth-watering, cock-stiffening, wife-angering 3D, baby.

Oh yes, I went there. The 3DS will be cracked as quickly as humanly possible for one reason: big beautiful boobies. Well, I guess there are a few more reasons in that same vein of thought, but I'll just stop there.


So as I was saying, in a very professional and non-creepy way... >.> *ahemAHEM* 3D pornography. This is the next big entertainment phenomenon (3D is... not pornography-- that's really really old xD), and you can never count porno out. With each new entertainment medium comes the march of the naked and fearless-- Nickelodeons, movie theaters, television, the telephone, VHS, the internet, DVD, HD/BluRay... Every single one as far back as anyone alive can remember came with its share of porn.

Many say that VHS "won" over BetaMax because of porn, and I'm hard-pressed to argue with them. At that time, the only way to get decent porn was to go to a shady sex-store (which were hard to find), buy a magazine at a liquor store (which was "embarrasing"), or go to one of those creepy theaters where Pee Wee Herman whacks it to watch "Deep Throat". VHS came around and changed all that-- video rental stores had "private rooms" curtained-in (remember seeing those as a kid and knowing exactly what they were?), and anonymous mail-order tapes were also a huge huge hit. The point is, pornography can really drive an entertainment medium, especially when that entertainment medium offers some very unique values. Why didn't DVD and HD porn have quite the same impact as VHS porn did? Because they didn't offer much of a significant different in experience....

...but anyone who saw this in 3D inherently understands the advantages presented by the new 3D medium.

So how is this going to happen? Here are my theories:

Crazy topsy-turvy world where Nintendo goes "crazy"
There is a chance-- I know, I know, don't laugh: I'm actually being serious--That Nintendo will see the 3D porn "movement" as an opportunity to further expand into the blue ocean. Nintendo might (however unlikely this is, they just might) actually allow pornography to be available by some special and exclusive means on the "online market" or whatever means they are looking to use for distributing 3D video content. Hahaha... I knowwww... but porn on the 3DS is going to happen anyway. Nintendo might as well embrace it, protect it, and do a whole lot of damage control PR to preserve their family-friendly image.

Nintendo non-chalantly and innocently includes a flash-capable browser
...and the members-only websites start coming. This seems actually much more likely than Nintendo allowing full-scale distribution of porno movies through their online store... but I digress...

Membership-only internet forums
If Nintendo decides not to include either of the two previous options to beat the hackers and porn enthusiasts to the punch, I believe that before the 3DS is even cracked, hacked, and flashed that we're going to see internet forums popping up all around the intert00bz with a similar model: Pay an upfront or monthly fee, join our forums, trade friend codes with us, and we will send 3D pictures, taken with our DSs, of LIVE NAKED HARDCORE TEEN AMATEUR POV COLLEGE SEX ROMPS!!!

Movies shot with the 3DS camera
I believe that once the 3DS gets hacked, they'll figure out how to record video with that little 3D camera, and subsequently figure out how to send videos to each other, even if this must be done ad-hoc. It doesn't matter, people will still get them.

Movies on 3DS carts (or a cart-shaped adapter)
For the next stage, I believe that there will be porn on actual 3DS carts, or a cart-shaped adapter that connects to something else. These carts can be distributed illegally from, you know, wherever, just like the R4 and M3 Real pirate DS carts were, except they'll just have porn on them.

Hacked-up mobile browser
Its pretty likely that, given the graphical prowess and decent CPU/RAM horsepower on-board, that someone will simply create a hacked up mobile web-browser using webkit to create something like SkyFire recently made for mobile phones. Flash on the 3DS is entirely possible once you've rid yourself of that pesky DRM.

Cracked SD card slot
The holy grail of 3DS hacking, of course, will be cracking the SD card slot which will prove to be the most difficult task. This will take the longest, but will be the most sought-after hack for sure. The possibilities are endless when you've got your own media from your home network available to you.

Nintendo might not even know. They may have absolutely no idea how serious this really is. I mean, I know, it's Japan >.> They do tend to watch a lot of porn there, but still. If Nintendo thought they had it bad with DS and DSi hackers breathing down their necks at launch-time... They're going to have a whole new nightmare when the masses get started on the 3DS... The people have spoken, and they want to see fucking.


  1. Oh my god, this is full of truth and brilliance!

  2. wow. that was awful.

  3. More proof that the majority of the internet's user base is retarded.

  4. wow ! that's a ridiculous text.
    are you a kid or what?

  5. who is the first girl?

  6. If your addicted to porn this is good, I guess.

  7. Anyone remember this?

  8. I think the best part of you publishing this article was the lulz.

  9. first things first.....this is some hilarious shit I've read it all 3/5 stars but.....

    did you lose your marbles ? LOL Nintendo would NEVER allow this . Miyamoto would shit a brick-- then have it shipped next day delivery to Washington just so he could watch on a web-cam back at corporate of Reggie Fils-Aime smearing it all over himself, then commit suicide a'la fecal dart in the neck.

  10. hahaha you guys are hilarious <3

  11. You know, funny enough...possibly our most comments to date over pornography.

  12. Nothing like s3xy pr0ns to bring a community together...

  13. What's so hilarious about it? Maybe if your a teenager, it's funny.

  14. Anon, I'm not at all a teenager... quite far from it actually :P I'm not sure how old you are, but if joking about pornography offends you, that wasn't my intention. I hope you're not like all mad :( I <3 you and all of my readers.

  15. LOL. I hadn't thought about this... but you're probably right.

    It's hilarious what the release of an innocent consumer product entails. Poor Nintendo. :P

  16. I think you overvalue the idea of a 9 square inch piece of 3D pornography, my friend. I mean, it's likely to happen, I just don't think it will be quite as groundbreaking as you think.

    "But Artemis, I want to watch Porn in 3D!"

    3D TV's, Monitors.

    "But Artemis, they're so EXPENSIVE! And I want my porn on the go!"

    iPod. Zune. Next.

    "But Artemis, I want those luscious bewbies in glorious 3D!"

    For the pornography aficionado with a schedule? I'm just not really seeing the big deal with having the ability to watch it in public. IN THREE DEE. I'm sure the homeless guys you sit next to on a bus will appreciate it though. =p

  17. ::looks at 1st pix::
    Hey, what the hell is my girl's pic doing here?!

  18. Those tags have got to be the first time the words 'Nintendo' and 'Sex' have been put next to each other. Or... at least - I hope it is. *googles*